An Odd Juxtaposition; Preparing to Die, While Choosing to Live

So here we go… the last chapter in what started as a breezy 500-word blog has now evolved into a short book (hopefully you don’t think it has devolved after seeing the blah, bummer of a chapter title).  You might be thinking, “wait, what happened to the laughing, joking around guy?  Where did he go?”  Don’t worry, I’m still here… just have a lot to think about these days.

First and foremost, my days have been filled with visits from family and friends.  It seems whenever I am not sitting at my computer working on something, I have a visitor – or visitors – who sense something is wrong (but may not know the full extent of it) and want to stop by for a bit, maybe bring a meal, and just sit and chat for a while.  I can’t think of one of those visits (now numbering well into the twenties or thirties) that have not been fun and lighthearted in nature.  I have laughed a lot as the old stories get replayed.

But yet, I know I still have work to do if I want to leave things behind for Diana in a way that I would want to leave them.  Once the house guests leave, it’s back to a combination to trying to get my work done, as well as continuing to chip away with filling a 2 ½ inch binder full of (I hope) everything Diana will need to know to pay the bills, know where to find things, who to call to redeem the life insurance policy, etc.  I am laser focused on making sure that… as they say… my “affairs are in order” so that she does not have to struggle any more than necessary if things go south.

Now… please don’t think we are not laughing along the way.  We both have a pretty good sense of gallows humor so it’s not quite as heavy as it sounds.  Take for example the music playlist for my “Celebration of Life” that I am planning.  Because I am not going to have a traditional funeral, I call it my “fun-eral” playlist and it won’t have “Amazing Grace” or other sad songs on it.  It will have fun songs on it.  Like “come prepared to dance” type fun music, which is highly ironic given that me dancing is a rarer sight than Bigfoot himself.  Anyway, I’ll do the “reveal” on the playlist sometime soon with hopes she approves but I expect to make changes.  

The house was recently refinanced, the messy 2023 federal tax return is in the process of being finalized and filed, the beneficiary details on the life insurance policy has been confirmed and verified, my car title transferred so it won’t have to go through probate, and all estate planning documents are completed, signed and notarized.  I will probably never be done puttering around with the 2 ½ inch binder but it’s in good enough shape now that I feel like I can get out and enjoy the back patio a bit, welcoming friends and family whenever my time and health allow.  

I did have a “moment” a few weeks ago after Diana and I had one of our more serious conversations about it all.  We both had to take some crying breaks along the way, but we were almost always able to bring things back home with a memory of a trip, or some silly antic from one of our dogs, or something else that made us give thanks for 45 wonderful years together (40 of them married).  Nonetheless, I wrote this the next morning.  It is an entirely new type of writing for me.  Perhaps I will do more of it in the future.  It’s more than just lashing out at cancer, but rather a bit of a prayer designed to pay tribute to those that do the work to try to reduce cancer to something akin to a chronic disease that no longer robs families of loved ones, friendships of friends, and workplaces of workers.  

These last days are so hard, yet we are grateful for them.

We cry some and laugh a lot.  

Regrets at things left undone are more than redeemed by gratitude for what we have been able to do.

How many more lives have to be sacrificed to this monstrous disease, this cancer?  

Are 600,000 American lives each year not enough?

Healthy cells divide and morph erratically.

We can find it earlier, but we cannot stop it.

We can treat it more effectively, but it will not leave us be, this monstrous disease – cancer.

Let us pray for those that do the work of combating this horrific disease.

Or something like that…  😊

Until next time,

Steve